Good vs. Evil / Light vs. Dark / Positive Energy vs. Negative Energy

Good vs. Evil

Light vs. Dark

Positive Energy vs. Negative Energy

When my babies were little someone influential in my life said; isn’t it amazing to think that those innocent looking little babies are really filled with darkness? While, at that particular time in life, I was not comfortable in disagreeing with her, I do remember being angry. How dare she say my babies were evil!?!?!

Well, I get it now; I have come to realize that we really do have a light and dark side in our souls. Some days our dark sides are stronger and some days our light sides are stronger. What is interesting and a little mind boggling is we have the power to influence which side gets to play the bigger role in our life at any given moment.

Some people use faith and or religion to influence their sides

Some people mediate and look for balance.

Some people workout.

Some people throw themselves into work, perfectionism, liquor, bad relationships and many other vices to escape dealing with their positive and negative sides.

Wouldn’t it be freeing to accept the good and the evil; the light and the dark; the positive energy and the negative energy? Come to a realization that each of those serves a purpose for our greater good and accept that each of those makes up who we are. We have the choice in which side will be stronger and which side we will be known for throughout our lifetimes.

Wrecking Ball and Society

I know my take on this is will be wildly different than what is considered main stream opinion right now. But I’m sort of like that….

Miley Cyrus, oh my, what has this girl gone and done?! She shaved her hair. She danced provocatively on stage. Now America has a word we cringe at…TWERKING! She created a music video that was well, very sexual in nature. How could America’s sweet little thing, whose parents looked, oh so wholesome do this to us?  I mean come on; she was a child star on Disney…our daughters look up to her and would you  look at her now!

Throughout the ages long hair on women was a sign of honor. As the roles of women change through the years so have women’s view of their hair. It is very common now after the end of a romantic relationship for a woman to cut her hair, why? Because it is a sign of rebellion, of taking back their mind, soul and body.  As I was going through my divorce I had to cut my hair really short because the eating disorder had left me with patches of hair gone….and I almost took it all off…why?  Because my ex whom I despised at the time had loved my long curly red hair. I understand why Miley has shaved her head…she like women before have decided to go against the grain of acceptable society. Demi Moore, Sinead O’Connor and I’m sure plenty more talented and strong women decided to not walk the line of normal.

The teen choice awards have long been known for their shock value. Every award show out there tries so hard to be the topic of conversation the next morning. This show was no exception…I find it interesting that two entertainers were censored by society as Miley Cyrus and Alan Thicke were…some of the comments were Alan is “married, his poor wife”…Do you suppose that she might be use to this sort of behavior, as he is an entertainer and all entertainers, be they singers or actors will portray sexuality NOT directed at their spouse because sex sells.  I had no idea the move that Miley did was called Twerking…but I will say it has been going on in clubs and schools across the country for years upon years. We just have a name for it other than “Dirty-Dancing” or “grinding”.

I watched the music video and listened to the song by Miley called “Wrecking Ball” with my daughter. What I saw was an artistic portrayal of heart break in relationships. She was stripped down naked and if you have ever suffered heart break in a relationship, you know that you feel, as vulnerable as one who is naked and on display which this video clearly displayed. The song was a beautiful, her voice was powerful and her video stunning.

The little innocent girl has grown up; she has a good family, what a blessing for her. Miley was a child star that many of our daughters looked up to but as my daughter pointed out those little girls have grown up as well. All of this doesn’t change the fact that Miley is a sexual being (like all of us) who clearly has no issue with showing her sensual side.

My daughter asked me if I would want her to follow in Miley’s footsteps. That was a hard question to answer…you see I don’t wish my daughter to struggle so hard against society, to feel as if she needs to assert her individuality, to swim upstream all the time. But I do want her to have the courage to express herself, to do things her way, everyone else be damned. I wish this for her now so that she doesn’t reach middle age and realize she could have done more. I do want her to follow her own path and dreams even if her sisters don’t have the courage to support her because she isn’t following their idea of normal.

I am suggesting that perhaps Miley Cyrus doesn’t fit in the mold of what we think our daughters ought to look like and what they should do. I’m suggesting that America’s sweetheart is causing us to realize that our daughters are growing up and becoming capable of owning their own lives and minda and yes even their own sexuality.

Deviance Project

This is my deviance project for my Sociology class. We live within the governing confines of societal norms, those norms let us know how we should act and behave, they let us know when we cross a boundary and need to be censored. I chose to challenge the societal norm of how a pregnant woman should look and how she should behave and this is a summary of my experience of challenging a small conservative town.

 My adventure of confronting a social norm was personally challenging. The day of my deviance project - I procrastinated until it was all I could think about. I enlisted my daughter's help in transforming my very stereotypical middle America look to one who didn't know or care that she broke the pregnancy norm. I wore my little black wig, dark make-up, big jewelry, a tight black tank, a short jean skirt and black boots along with a baby bump....For extra strangness, I decided to bring a baby doll along "to practice" being a mother. I also tucked a pack of cigarettes into my tank top strap.....and yes, I smoked one outside of the Safeway door.

I made my way inside Safeway where I carefully chose only junk food. Oh yes...I picked it up and would smile at it and say "umm yum" as I rubbed my belly. I do not think that a single person didn't at least see me....and turn away. There was a man who was intrigued by appearance and followed me an isle or two...he did the classic up and down. People did double and triple takes of my appearance. One particularly busy aisle I took a deep breathe and made my way down the aisle and there was a woman who was pushing her child in a stroller and choosing items for her family. I commented "Oh, what a pretty baby!" as I rubbed my belly...she put back her item back and immediately pushed her child out of the aisle. Another woman who was unrelated to her actually burst out loud in laughter. I made my way over to the beer and picked out a cheap brand and looked at the label as I put it into my cart where a man stopped and watched until I looked him in the eye and he walked away. I had enough and decided to call it quits at Safeway. I walked out of the store and knew my daughter was about 75 feet behind me when I heard a cart gatherer say something to her. She gets into the jeep and suggests that we go and as we drive away I ask her what he said. He asked her, "Is that woman suppose to look like that?" She pretended she had no idea who he was referring to.

I wanted to know if a store of stereotypical lower socio-economic status would have people be more or less judgmental than the Safeway and so we made our way to Wal-Mart. This time I smoked a cigarette on my way into the store....a car actually stopped driving and both people starred and pointed and were clearly getting a kick out of me. I walked in and made my way straight to the beer isle occasionally picking up junk food in the center isle. A mom and her daughter were buying flavor waters and the mom did a really good job trying to cover her surprise at my appearance...as I made my way around the corner I saw the mom admonishing the daughter and as I looked into the mom's eyes, I knew it was because of me. I continued to walk the aisles putting things into my cart and continued to try and make eye contact and smile at people. Three different parents tucked their children behind them as I walked by, every single couple had one of them whispering to the other and that one's head would whip around and look at me. A man followed me through the whole store! I decided to shop other departments....I tried on hats, I went and picked up nutri-slim and condoms and you should have seen the looks!

My conclusion is that people of all socio-economic backgrounds are judgmental but my experience is that those of lower backgrounds were not only judgmental but much more vocal and obvious in their censor of who I presented. I did not encounter one kind or caring person or anyone who was willing to engage me in dialogue. I also believe that had I decided to do this project in say downtown Denver no one would have paid any attention to me or at least minimally.

As my daughter and I drove away she asked me how could people be so cruel. You see it was challenging for her to witness people judge her mother...and to not say anything or stand up for me. I was ready to shower and scrub clean when we got home and I did...a hot melt your skin shower. That night as I made dinner my daughter came into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me and said..."Mom, I don't know how people can be so mean." It turns out that this project impacted both of us pretty profoundly and I hope the lessons will never be lost on us.

Please...the next time you see someone who doesn't fit your idea of normal....give them a chance, you may be surprised.

The Comparison Curse

It seems to be a curse that we women bare….we can’t seem to help ourselves. I first noticed this when I had my first child. There where the following “camps”…

Workout while Pregnant VS no-workouts while Pregnant

Natural Childbirth VS Medicated Childbirth

Home Birth VS Hospital Birth

Breastfeed VS Formula feed

Stay home VS Work

The first time that I was actually guilty of comparisons happened while I was on the job. I was in the break-room having lunch with a co-worker who was also a dear friend.  A new employee walked passed us in the break room and my friend and I looked at each other and at the same exact time said, “SKINNY BITCH!” She was taller, thin, had perky boobs, and dressed in a sexy professional way.  I had instantly compared myself to her and found myself lacking. Ironically, she became a good friend to both of us and I treasured her for a long time. (and still do even though we don’t talk anymore)

It turns out that women of any age, socio-economic status, ability, fitness level are susceptible to this curse.

Case in point: A beautiful woman that we know who is a trainer and is a delight to be around; felt out of place because she perceived that the others present were more beautiful and more talented. I felt so bad for her and I could not put her comments out of my mind.

How does this happen? Why does this happen? 

You never hear a man say, “That dude is better looking than me!” or “Wow, why do I even bother working out when that guy looks like that!?” or “Some men are just so lucky to have been able to go that school….have that job…live in that house…have that wife.” In variably, a man will take the attitude that he is damn good-looking, damn smart, and damn hard working, damn built, damn whatever he sets his mind to. Sure, occasionally “we” laugh at the seemingly arrogant persona but what if instead of laughing, we not only accepted their positive attitudes of themselves but actually adopted those attitudes ourselves?   

What would happen if we celebrated our sisters in their successes and trumpeted our own? What if we delighted in our sisters’ beauty and recognized our own? What if we were excited for job successes (those who chose to master the home front or those who work within the job front) and acknowledged our own successes?

If we started consciously behaving this way towards our sisters and toward ourselves - imagine the change that would happen in the world and within our souls!  No longer would we sit in judgment of another woman, no longer would the media have the opportunity to jump on a “cat-fight”. No longer would we set ourselves up for failure.  We would have peace and calm within.

I hope you join me in taking a stand against comparisons to others….

I will no longer compare my abilities, talents and gifts to another woman, I will compare my progress to myself and ask “Did I do more, be more, and strive for more?”

Will you?? 

Rehabbing a Recovery Anorexic who is Recovering from what was a Life threatening illness

Rehabbing a Recovery Anorexic who is Recovering from what was a Life threatening illness.
No, I am not making this up and no, it’s not the next plot of your newest Monday night sitcom. 

It’s the story of my life.

January saw me celebrating the one year anniversary of surviving (beating) anorexia. March saw me battling an illness that nearly took my life. July sees me feeling frustrated. Why, you ask? I am so glad you did….

You see anorexia is about serious control issues. And for me, body imagine issues….I see things not as they are. It’s not about models in magazines that are photo shopped thin, not about trying to look like someone. Pure, simple, unadulterated, control!  Anorexia (like other food issues) is an addiction. And my replacement addiction is exercise. Not the kind of exercise that leaves me exhausted, unable to move or live. But rather the “I like how, now that I am feeding my body the nutrients it needs to thrive, I can do all the things I've always wanted to do. Run, bike, row, lift weights, and developing the body that I find sexy, toned, tight and ready for what life throws at me!

Surviving March left me weak, easily fatigued, unable to do what I was doing prior to March. Not being able to do what I was able to do in the gym has made us (my Champion and I) has brought to light that we have to be very careful that the anorexia doesn't flair again. We have talked about it and are paying attention to the signs and symptoms. Because I am so neurotic when it comes, to food, training and the scale, I have once again had to become so accountable to my Champion, that he knows about everything that happens with or to my body everyday….(yet, he loves me).  

Rehabbing this Recovery Anorexic who is Recovering from what was a Life threatening illness looks like this:

2 ounces of Aloe Vera

2 dropfuls of B-complex

1 teaspoon of zinc

1 Biotin tablet

Every morning I am drinking this shot, it gives me chills…not the good kind of chills. I am drinking almost 100 ounces of water with electrolytes daily. I am working a plan to get the key nutrients every day. I say working because the protein and carb piece of this puzzle is still a struggle, I am totally good with the fruits and veggies!! We have come up with a workout plan that does not allow me to over-do it because the part of me that says “your body can’t” is broken.  Case in point: yesterday a 12 mile hike….my body is screaming at me and last night I ask, as I am hobbling, “Ok, tomorrow should I plan on a rest day or should I get in the gym and do something?” And rest , sleep you know is very restorative….and perhaps even more critical for someone who is in recovery. Perhaps the most elusive element at this point for me is patience and kindness to my soul, not beating myself up because I can’t do something, I was doing before or even worse when I am so fatigued that I can’t do a workout, oh the things I say to myself.....

I don’t want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to do more, be more. I want to survive and thrive to my fullest potential.

And so the journey of Rehabbing this Recovery Anorexic who is Recovering from what was a Life threatening illness continues. 

Most Holy of Holy Places

It struck me yesterday as we were sitting at 12,000 feet near the pristine waters of Lake Dorothy which is created from the snow melt. This place was simple and divine perfection. Sitting on the ground, breathing in the thin, cool air…it just doesn't get any more spiritually pure than this….no man made traditions, no man made hatred, no man made intolerance, no man made hypocrisy.

 The pure air, the pure ground, the pure water, the pure growth was simply surrounding us and we were her guests. I was connected to the earth in a way that surpassed understanding, I felt grounded, alive, content. As we made our way down the mountain I could see the energy in the air and feel it reverberate from the trees, I was a guest, an honored guest in this most high place and I was rewarded deeply with the world’s love in return.  

My wish for the world is that “we” could treat her with the respect and dignity that she deserves. You see, the world is really a sanctuary, the most holy of holy places, no building or man can compare to what simply is.  My part B wish is that those who wish to take part in the treasures that the world has to offer do so respectfully, kindly and graciously to those around them and to the offerings the world is begging to share.  

Living My Truth

I have spent a lifetime NOT sharing what is on my mind, in my heart or soul….

(Yes, sometimes I spew….but that is not normal or healthy and it is not usually done in love and what is not done in love is wrong.)

This lifetime of silence has led to some serious energy blockages in particular the chakra of my throat.
This lifetime of silence has led me to be a victim more than once and to have even embraced this “victimhood”  after all its what I know.

This lifetime of silence has led me to believe that what I have to say is not worthy to be spoken.

This lifetime of silence has led to be that no one would actually think that what I have to say is interesting and meaningful.

After having a very insightful conversation last night with my Champion I have come to the understanding that in spite of my claims that I am an authentic human and genuine in life, love and soul; by default I am living a life of hypocrisy.

I detest hypocrisy….In my book there is nothing worse the hypocrisy. I believe it is a cancer of the soul. The hypocritical person is not a whole and healthy person. I also detest living by default; it is no way to live and is actually very cowardly.

I have worked to release the energy to free my voice and I will continue.

I will no longer be a victim but a survivor.

I will choose my words and thoughts carefully so that when they are spoken they will be filled with value.

I will believe that my spoken and written thoughts will be interesting and meaningful to whoever needs to hear them.

I will STOP being the hypocrite of my own life! I will STOP living by default!

You may not like my truth. My truth may hurt your feelings. My truth may go against your religion, morals or politics. My truth will never be intended to hurt you but you may feel a prick of pain. My truth may build you up. My truth may shed a new or different light. My truth may not be what want you to hear but that is OK…..

The bottom line is; My Truth is MY TRUTH. I will no longer hide from it or from myself. I will not be ashamed to share my truth. 

I Choose Life - Celebrating A Year

A year ago – I was given a death sentence.

I had gone to the doctor because I just wasn’t healing after I had fallen. They spent about 15 minutes trying to get a blood pressure and couldn’t….when they finally did it, was alarmingly low 88/56. I asked my doctor if that could be related to my eating disorder? Her answer was, “Yes, absolutely. You and I are going to be having a very different conversation within a few weeks. We will be discussing end of life options.” I was not really shocked – I should have been but I was so numb and wasn’t feeling anything deeply. I left and went to the next doctor to have a pre-op discussion and on the way Jim and I spoke and told him what she had said. He insisted, I tell the pre-op doctor about everything. I did and the surgery was postponed due to the fact the pain meds would cause my heart rate to drop even lower and I would most likely die on the table in her office. I was devastated; I wanted so badly to be pain free.

The week before, Jim, realized that the eating disorder was fully active. I couldn’t remember simple things, I was losing my hair at an alarming rate, my weight was fluctuating, I was cold all of the time, my skin looked awful and I was unable to perform well with my workouts. I was slowly killing myself and it took this wonderful man to see it and call me on it. He told me something that impacted me deeply. He said, “I will be here and help you to work thru it and to fight this but I will not hold your hand and watch you die.” I could only look him in the eye and see the truth that was there. You see I was willingly taking my life and betraying him and our love. I was betraying my children. I was betraying my family.

I was floating in the tub crying, remembering as the different things in my life came flooding back to me that aided the disorder on its destructive path….Jim came in with a plate of bacon. I sat up and nibbled on a few pieces and we talked a little more. After he left, I settled down into the water and was floating again when the question came into my head. “Do you want to die?” As I lay there pondering this very real life and death question, I realized I wanted to live, I wanted to LIVE! I wanted to see my children marry and to become a grandparent…I wanted to experience all that life has to offer with the man who was in my life and offering to be my partner. I wanted to give to the world…I wanted to take trips and to do and be well!

The action plan came together…you see I am what is called chronic eating disordered. I have been active with my disorder since I was 16 years with thoughts since I was 13; I had moments of “health”. During my first marriage I was so distraught and in pain that I lost 20 pounds in roughly 4 months. After the divorce I felt as if I was regaining my life, I put on 10 pounds and declared victory over my ED. Yet, I did not address and heal the root cause of the ED! The action plan in 2012 included, no workouts – my body had NOTHING to give, daily logging of every single food to get to a minimum of 1200 calories….those 1200 calories were so challenging. I had to count everything in the beginning…ketchup, lettuce and even drink calories helped me get there…I loved margarita Thursday’s, that was an easy 400 calories! Slowly but surely I was able to replace my drink calories with food calories.  I had to take supplements to help with my digestion – you see not eating ended up causing it to hurt so much when I would eat. I started seeing my Uncle who is a natural health practioner. And I got real honest with my therapist. I also came clean with my family and a friend and those people helped to hold me accountable. Eating disorders like other addictions thrive in secrecy.

With all of that support, I started ticking off the months of recovery. At one month, I celebrated still being alive. At six months, I was in shock….so this is how a body is supposed to feel and I was able to start working out, lightly. At 8 months…I was in a good place of realization that as long as I paid attention daily, yes, daily, I stood a good chance of managing this beast. January, I celebrated one year of recovery. I am beyond thankful for my support team. I owe my very life to the love of my life – he saved me when I didn’t think I was worth saving and helped me to see that the good, the bad, the ugly made me and I’m really OK. I’m just Crystal and I’m good with that. My Uncle helped pick up the pieces and worked on putting the puzzle of me together. My doctor’s honesty was painful but needed. My therapist helped me to see that me turning on myself wasn’t going to hurt anyone but me…that I needed to develop better coping skills….and I continue to adjust those as needed.

I wish I could say that I haven’t slipped…that stress and fear doesn’t play a role in me not eating but that would be a lie. But those days are far and few in between. Now in times of conflict, stress, and pain, I count it a victory that I eat in spite of the issues! Every now and then I am reminded with how the eating disorder is still active in my mind like when I went to the store to buy work-out clothes and I brought into the dressing room, a size that was 2 sizes larger than what is accurate. It took me an hour trying on clothes to finally pick out the correct size and good fit. Sometimes walking by a mirror or into a building I get a glimpse of my true size and shape of my body and it surprises me….

I know; I can never let my guard down. I know; I can never think I have this killer beat. But as someone once told me, “There is no try, there is only do”. So that means every day I plan what I eat, I am aware of when I need to eat, I listen to my body and feed it what it needs.

I am learning to love myself…and that is worth celebrating.