Day Four...

Day 4 Sober...Waking up sober filled with no regrets from the night before only from the pain I know I've caused in the last five years.

Last night was challenging - I usually pour my first drink as I'm making dinner and sip on it as I cook and contemplate life and remind myself no more than four regular sized drinks...no more than four - no big deal.

We ate dinner as we usually do in front of the TV....and I'm sitting the craving because so intense I can smell the bastard. I get up and ask my partner if we have sweets and let him know whats going on... He made some chocolate oatmeal drops...it was good...it was sweet of him. I broke mine into itty bitty pieces to let melt into my mouth as I use to with my wine. I was then most likely very insensitive. I said "as much as you hate me a drunk - you'll hate for being fat. Which is likely to happen during this detox phase". You see he's gained a lot of weight over the course of a year...and he didn't respond as he could have...

Yesterday afternoon as I was headed out to my first AA meeting I let out a sigh (I was scared shitless) He made a joke and I honestly didn't know what to say and we ended up in a fight. He was trying to help lighten the tension and yet I just didn't know how to respond.

My first meeting - I was in tears most of the time. They were very kind and accepting - one old man said he hoped for me that I was truly at rock bottom - any other time in my life, I probably would have become very defensive and even angry - but I'm there - I'm rock bottom.

Truth is I miss my partner so deeply and thoroughly - I miss his smell, his touch, his light caress in the middle of the night, his sleep talking, his laugh, his smile, his twinkle in his eye, his wit, his time, his very energy and essences....OH MY GOD what have I done... There are so many things he's stopped doing over the years and I miss those things with my core... Spontaneous trips to Santa Fe or to Red Rocks to watch the sunrise or to take drive or hike... Or grabbing me in the middle of day and making love to me the dinning room table or the chair in the living room.

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE....OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE...

I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.   

He asked me to paint this: "When the Fear of losing something or someone is greater than the fear of doing something; You will do whatever it takes.

Thanks, my name is Crystal and I am alcoholic.

Day One

Well, I suppose you should know the real me.

I am a depressed, anorexic, alcoholic battling an unknown chronic pain condition who is really angry, bitter and resentful.

Yep. I just owned that bitch. Turns out you really can't medicate and hide your truth behind not eating and the binge alcohol usage because those beasts just allow the ugly to shine through.

I am sober one day (officially) although I want to say two since I woke up sober this morning as well.

My partner finally had enough yesterday and has basically given me an ultimatum - you see every relationship has guidelines that help you to establish your couple-ness AND in my drunken stupor I lost sight of two of those guidelines. Never exclude one of you and never get drunk at work.

I wish I could say he was being unfair and that this was an isolated event but the truth is I've done this several times over the years - why he is still with me is beyond comprehension.

So we came to an agreement:

1. I'll move into the guest bedroom - to preserve his peace at night.

2. I will go to AA meetings.

3. I will get alcohol therapy  (I'm looking into a 30 day inpatient detox program).

4. I will not touch a drop for no less than 3 months or game over.

5. I will continue to see my therapist.

6. I will keep the house orderly and provide meals to be of assistance.

In six months we will reevaluate our relationship and the damage I've caused to determine if we wish to continue to try and heal or if we walk away.

I thanked him before I left for work yesterday for giving me this opportunity and he asked me why...why did I want to do this because "It would be so much easier for me to walk away." And he's right...The thought of NO alcohol has left me with a sense of grief. Because I really don't like me. I like the me that is drinking. I really can't imagine not ending my day wine. I really can't imagine not sitting on a patio having a margarita. I really can't imagine not traveling to Naples for a wine tour.

HOWEVER... I love him. I love how he loves me. I love the things we've done. I love that I am a better person because of him. I love how I feel when I am with him. I love how his eyes sparkle. I love how he smiles. I love his wit. I love his vision and dream. I love and want to do all the things we've talked about and dreamed of doing together.

I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to beat any of this... strength is not really a character trait I posse.

And so this is day one and I'm going to my first AA meeting at noon.