Day Four...

Day 4 Sober...Waking up sober filled with no regrets from the night before only from the pain I know I've caused in the last five years.

Last night was challenging - I usually pour my first drink as I'm making dinner and sip on it as I cook and contemplate life and remind myself no more than four regular sized drinks...no more than four - no big deal.

We ate dinner as we usually do in front of the TV....and I'm sitting the craving because so intense I can smell the bastard. I get up and ask my partner if we have sweets and let him know whats going on... He made some chocolate oatmeal drops...it was good...it was sweet of him. I broke mine into itty bitty pieces to let melt into my mouth as I use to with my wine. I was then most likely very insensitive. I said "as much as you hate me a drunk - you'll hate for being fat. Which is likely to happen during this detox phase". You see he's gained a lot of weight over the course of a year...and he didn't respond as he could have...

Yesterday afternoon as I was headed out to my first AA meeting I let out a sigh (I was scared shitless) He made a joke and I honestly didn't know what to say and we ended up in a fight. He was trying to help lighten the tension and yet I just didn't know how to respond.

My first meeting - I was in tears most of the time. They were very kind and accepting - one old man said he hoped for me that I was truly at rock bottom - any other time in my life, I probably would have become very defensive and even angry - but I'm there - I'm rock bottom.

Truth is I miss my partner so deeply and thoroughly - I miss his smell, his touch, his light caress in the middle of the night, his sleep talking, his laugh, his smile, his twinkle in his eye, his wit, his time, his very energy and essences....OH MY GOD what have I done... There are so many things he's stopped doing over the years and I miss those things with my core... Spontaneous trips to Santa Fe or to Red Rocks to watch the sunrise or to take drive or hike... Or grabbing me in the middle of day and making love to me the dinning room table or the chair in the living room.

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE....OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE...

I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.   

He asked me to paint this: "When the Fear of losing something or someone is greater than the fear of doing something; You will do whatever it takes.

Thanks, my name is Crystal and I am alcoholic.

Day One

Well, I suppose you should know the real me.

I am a depressed, anorexic, alcoholic battling an unknown chronic pain condition who is really angry, bitter and resentful.

Yep. I just owned that bitch. Turns out you really can't medicate and hide your truth behind not eating and the binge alcohol usage because those beasts just allow the ugly to shine through.

I am sober one day (officially) although I want to say two since I woke up sober this morning as well.

My partner finally had enough yesterday and has basically given me an ultimatum - you see every relationship has guidelines that help you to establish your couple-ness AND in my drunken stupor I lost sight of two of those guidelines. Never exclude one of you and never get drunk at work.

I wish I could say he was being unfair and that this was an isolated event but the truth is I've done this several times over the years - why he is still with me is beyond comprehension.

So we came to an agreement:

1. I'll move into the guest bedroom - to preserve his peace at night.

2. I will go to AA meetings.

3. I will get alcohol therapy  (I'm looking into a 30 day inpatient detox program).

4. I will not touch a drop for no less than 3 months or game over.

5. I will continue to see my therapist.

6. I will keep the house orderly and provide meals to be of assistance.

In six months we will reevaluate our relationship and the damage I've caused to determine if we wish to continue to try and heal or if we walk away.

I thanked him before I left for work yesterday for giving me this opportunity and he asked me why...why did I want to do this because "It would be so much easier for me to walk away." And he's right...The thought of NO alcohol has left me with a sense of grief. Because I really don't like me. I like the me that is drinking. I really can't imagine not ending my day wine. I really can't imagine not sitting on a patio having a margarita. I really can't imagine not traveling to Naples for a wine tour.

HOWEVER... I love him. I love how he loves me. I love the things we've done. I love that I am a better person because of him. I love how I feel when I am with him. I love how his eyes sparkle. I love how he smiles. I love his wit. I love his vision and dream. I love and want to do all the things we've talked about and dreamed of doing together.

I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to beat any of this... strength is not really a character trait I posse.

And so this is day one and I'm going to my first AA meeting at noon.

Comparisons 2

I know that I have written about comparisons in the past but after a conversation with my daughter this week; I feel it needs to be addressed again.

When did women start comparing themselves to others? Men, women, the dog, the cat, their mother, their brother…actresses, singers, models….really makes no difference.

For a decade or longer we’ve been hearing about the dangers of unrealistically thin models, beautiful actresses, and the ever defunct singer, and of course Barbie. Sure, they may have played a hand in girls’ self-esteem issues but what if this need to compare ourselves goes even deeper than the glossy pages of a magazine or the cover of CD?

I don’t know if my mom compared herself to her sisters when she was growing up…I should probably ask her…the same goes for my grandmother and I’m fortunate to be able to ask her still… Unfortunately, I won’t be able to ask any generation older…because I really want to know WHEN did this start happening OR has it always been since the beginning of time?

Can we all agree that we each walk our own path? And as such there is no way I can compare myself to you, or you, or you…and Lord knows, you shouldn't compare yourself to me!

What do we gain by comparing ourselves to another? I know this is a very personal question and very few of us will actually really tell ourselves the truth, anyway but don’t you deserve your own truth?

I don’t have any answers on this situation but I do have some encouragement:

Be you…your authentic you.

Try your best every day because that is enough.

Don’t give up on yourself.

No, you aren't so and so – thank goodness…we don’t need robots!

You are you…you are enough…you are amazing…You are YOU, the good, the bad, the ugly, Thank you for being you!

(dedicated to my daughter - please know you are enough being you)

Yester Years

The days when you thought I was
incredible, perfect, amazing, and beautiful. 
Oh the days when you looked at me with adoration

Your sweet little love notes left my heart singing with happiness

Are long gone.

Did I appreciate the fullness of your love?

Probably, not.

Did I think you would always be the same?

Probably, so.

And now you are grown.  

Now you know I am ordinary. 

Now you know I am flawed. 

Now you know I am human. 

Gone are the days that you longed to express your love through little notes, long snuggles, hugs that lasted to long and sloppy kisses.

Grown you are and love me still…though different than yester years.

Oh, how I long for those moments, how I would cherish them more completely, taking each one as a special gift, meant only for me, lasting a lifetime.

What I wish I had known....

I read an article a few weeks back titled something along the lines 10 things I wish I had known about Anorexia. It made me start thinking what do I wish I had known all of those years ago…?

     1)       When I overheard some of dad’s family taking about how hard it was that he had an extra mouth to feed,        how it wasn't fair to this young man .

           

            I wish I had remembered that in fact my dad knew my mom had a toddler (me) and had married her            AND assumed responsibility for me.

      2)      When I was wearing a swimsuit the summer before I turned 14 and saw my hips...

      

            I wish I had celebrated my curves and developing womanhood instead of feeling shame.

      3)      When I had a boyfriend, my freshman year of high school who told me and his friends that I was fat (I           was 95lbs)....

        

           I wish I had realized he was a stupid boy and walked away with my head held high and set my standards      higher.

      4)      When I went to my youth pastor when I was a sophomore in high school; and told him I had a problem,       he sent me to the wife of the choir director and she told me that because I wasn’t counting calories that I       really didn’t have a problem...

            I wish they had called my mom, I wish I had found a psychiatrist, I wish I had been sent to an in-patient         care facility, I wish I had kept telling someone until I was believed.

      5)      When I was restricting to feel control...

       

             I wish I would have felt empowered by becoming active.

     6)      When I was restricting and felt hunger pangs...

  

           I wish I hadn't lied to myself by saying I just didn't feel them but accepted the fact that those hunger pangs      actually brought me comfort.    (And still do)

      7)      When I saw people’s bodies, men and women, I never felt envious....

  

            I wish I would have known it was OK to celebrate their beauty.

     8)      When I was younger, I was never really active...

           I wish I had a strong foundation in physical activity because I realize now how important fuel is for the            body and I often eat to fuel my passions.

    9)      When I first began to restrict 24 years ago at the tender age of 13, I never thought I’d live past the age of     25... 

          I wish I knew how much I really want to live, how much I have to live for, and how much I love life.

    10)   When I was going through my divorce and was horribly sick....

          I wish I had gone into inpatient therapy instead of being fearful and prideful.

Restricting has impacted what kinds of food I can eat and how my body processes it.

Restricting has impacted my brain functioning. 

Restricting has impacted my physical capabilities. 

Restricting is a DAILY battle to overcome to fuel so I can do what I want….I can tell you the number of calories, the fat, the protein, the carbs, the sugar in just about anything – I wish I couldn't….

People say things in which they have no idea how it will impact another and yet we speak without thinking or caring, we don’t take the time to truly care for others.

More importantly than caring for another is caring for ourselves and most of us don’t; we don’t because we don’t believe we deserve it, we don’t believe that we are neglecting ourselves, we don’t believe we are worthy…How do we change that?

Today, I eat to live the life I want; I want to run, I want to lift, I want to paint, to garden, to write, I want to be a daughter and I want to be a sister, I want to be a friend, I want to be a mommy, I want to be a partner…

beauty - strength - grace

beauty under fire
           strength questioned
                       grace under pressure

The elements did their best to do you in....unforgiving in their relentless pursuit 

and tho' you lean, you haven't given in....

Your ability to weather life's storms has amazed all of those around...

Your strength is quiet. 

Your dignity is true.

You know that you need not fear....

you embrace the moment

embracing your truth 

The world moves all around....

and you have peace.

2 Years...

2 years…Is a long time and an incredibly short span of time all the same.

I've been contemplating this anniversary for many days now…It arrived with no fan-fare and really just a quiet exchange of mention between my champion and I. Then I received a message from my dear sister thanking me for fighting this monster and for having the courage to stay around.  I thanked her and told her that I loved her and that I struggled more this last month than I have in the last year.

Routine is something that I love…I crave…I need. My days no longer have the structure they had a few short weeks ago and some of the things that I’m doing have odd timing so the normal “it’s noon have some lunch”, doesn't work…I spent years ignoring and even taking pride in ignoring hunger pangs, and now I don't truly notice them. 

My therapist and I have talked about some guards for me to put into place like reminders in my phone, and I found an app that lets me put in my food intake.

That’s what I’m back to to…tracking my intake so that it doesn't become 4:00 PM and I realize that I haven’t eaten, yet. That scenario is happening way too often.  This monster is so damn sneaky – it makes me angry. 

I’m angry that I’m back to needing to “remember” to eat, that I’m back to tracking my intake, that I really haven’t come as far as I had imagined.

I had imagined that IT was something that I had under-control and was managing quite well without needing to think about it several times a day. I had imagined that I could just continue rolling with the punches that life was throwing at me without blinking an eye. I imagined that I wouldn't be post 2 years of choosing life and needing to put in place fail-safes, again.

I’m angry.

I’m resolved.

I’m determined.

I’m ready to keep fighting.

I’m willing to do what it takes.

I’m willing to be held accountable.

I’m deciding once again, I choose life.

I choose life for my babies, I know they need me, now more than ever. I choose life for my Champion for I know my partnership in his life is important and he loves me as no one has and I love him as deeply. I choose life for my parents and grandma and my Champion’s mama because no one should suffer the pain of out-living their children. I choose life for my siblings because no matter how old you are you still need a big sister. I choose life for my friends because I like to think we’re friends for a reason. 

I choose life because I still have a lot of living to do…