2 years…Is a long time and an incredibly short span of time
all the same.
I've been contemplating this anniversary for many days now…It
arrived with no fan-fare and really just a quiet exchange of mention between my
champion and I. Then I received a message from my dear sister thanking me for
fighting this monster and for having the courage to stay around. I thanked her and told her that I loved her
and that I struggled more this last month than I have in the last year.
Routine is something that I love…I crave…I need. My days no
longer have the structure they had a few short weeks ago and some of the things
that I’m doing have odd timing so the normal “it’s noon have some lunch”, doesn't
work…I spent years ignoring and even taking pride in ignoring hunger pangs, and now I don't truly notice them.
My
therapist and I have talked about some guards for me to put into place like
reminders in my phone, and I found an app that lets me put in my food intake.
That’s what I’m back to to…tracking my intake so that it
doesn't become 4:00 PM and I realize that I haven’t eaten, yet. That scenario
is happening way too often. This monster
is so damn sneaky – it makes me angry.
I’m angry that I’m back to needing to “remember”
to eat, that I’m back to tracking my intake, that I really haven’t come as far
as I had imagined.
I had imagined that IT was something that I had
under-control and was managing quite well without needing to think about it several
times a day. I had imagined that I could just continue rolling with the punches
that life was throwing at me without blinking an eye. I imagined that I
wouldn't be post 2 years of choosing life and needing to put in place
fail-safes, again.
I’m angry.
I’m resolved.
I’m determined.
I’m ready to keep fighting.
I’m willing to do what it takes.
I’m willing to be held accountable.
I’m deciding once again, I choose life.
I choose life for my babies, I know they need me, now more than ever. I choose
life for my Champion for I know my partnership in his life is important and he
loves me as no one has and I love him as deeply. I choose life for my parents
and grandma and my Champion’s mama because no one should suffer the pain of
out-living their children. I choose life for my siblings because no matter how
old you are you still need a big sister. I choose life for my friends because I
like to think we’re friends for a reason.
I choose life because I still have a lot of living to do…
