What I wish I had known....

I read an article a few weeks back titled something along the lines 10 things I wish I had known about Anorexia. It made me start thinking what do I wish I had known all of those years ago…?

     1)       When I overheard some of dad’s family taking about how hard it was that he had an extra mouth to feed,        how it wasn't fair to this young man .

           

            I wish I had remembered that in fact my dad knew my mom had a toddler (me) and had married her            AND assumed responsibility for me.

      2)      When I was wearing a swimsuit the summer before I turned 14 and saw my hips...

      

            I wish I had celebrated my curves and developing womanhood instead of feeling shame.

      3)      When I had a boyfriend, my freshman year of high school who told me and his friends that I was fat (I           was 95lbs)....

        

           I wish I had realized he was a stupid boy and walked away with my head held high and set my standards      higher.

      4)      When I went to my youth pastor when I was a sophomore in high school; and told him I had a problem,       he sent me to the wife of the choir director and she told me that because I wasn’t counting calories that I       really didn’t have a problem...

            I wish they had called my mom, I wish I had found a psychiatrist, I wish I had been sent to an in-patient         care facility, I wish I had kept telling someone until I was believed.

      5)      When I was restricting to feel control...

       

             I wish I would have felt empowered by becoming active.

     6)      When I was restricting and felt hunger pangs...

  

           I wish I hadn't lied to myself by saying I just didn't feel them but accepted the fact that those hunger pangs      actually brought me comfort.    (And still do)

      7)      When I saw people’s bodies, men and women, I never felt envious....

  

            I wish I would have known it was OK to celebrate their beauty.

     8)      When I was younger, I was never really active...

           I wish I had a strong foundation in physical activity because I realize now how important fuel is for the            body and I often eat to fuel my passions.

    9)      When I first began to restrict 24 years ago at the tender age of 13, I never thought I’d live past the age of     25... 

          I wish I knew how much I really want to live, how much I have to live for, and how much I love life.

    10)   When I was going through my divorce and was horribly sick....

          I wish I had gone into inpatient therapy instead of being fearful and prideful.

Restricting has impacted what kinds of food I can eat and how my body processes it.

Restricting has impacted my brain functioning. 

Restricting has impacted my physical capabilities. 

Restricting is a DAILY battle to overcome to fuel so I can do what I want….I can tell you the number of calories, the fat, the protein, the carbs, the sugar in just about anything – I wish I couldn't….

People say things in which they have no idea how it will impact another and yet we speak without thinking or caring, we don’t take the time to truly care for others.

More importantly than caring for another is caring for ourselves and most of us don’t; we don’t because we don’t believe we deserve it, we don’t believe that we are neglecting ourselves, we don’t believe we are worthy…How do we change that?

Today, I eat to live the life I want; I want to run, I want to lift, I want to paint, to garden, to write, I want to be a daughter and I want to be a sister, I want to be a friend, I want to be a mommy, I want to be a partner…

beauty - strength - grace

beauty under fire
           strength questioned
                       grace under pressure

The elements did their best to do you in....unforgiving in their relentless pursuit 

and tho' you lean, you haven't given in....

Your ability to weather life's storms has amazed all of those around...

Your strength is quiet. 

Your dignity is true.

You know that you need not fear....

you embrace the moment

embracing your truth 

The world moves all around....

and you have peace.

2 Years...

2 years…Is a long time and an incredibly short span of time all the same.

I've been contemplating this anniversary for many days now…It arrived with no fan-fare and really just a quiet exchange of mention between my champion and I. Then I received a message from my dear sister thanking me for fighting this monster and for having the courage to stay around.  I thanked her and told her that I loved her and that I struggled more this last month than I have in the last year.

Routine is something that I love…I crave…I need. My days no longer have the structure they had a few short weeks ago and some of the things that I’m doing have odd timing so the normal “it’s noon have some lunch”, doesn't work…I spent years ignoring and even taking pride in ignoring hunger pangs, and now I don't truly notice them. 

My therapist and I have talked about some guards for me to put into place like reminders in my phone, and I found an app that lets me put in my food intake.

That’s what I’m back to to…tracking my intake so that it doesn't become 4:00 PM and I realize that I haven’t eaten, yet. That scenario is happening way too often.  This monster is so damn sneaky – it makes me angry. 

I’m angry that I’m back to needing to “remember” to eat, that I’m back to tracking my intake, that I really haven’t come as far as I had imagined.

I had imagined that IT was something that I had under-control and was managing quite well without needing to think about it several times a day. I had imagined that I could just continue rolling with the punches that life was throwing at me without blinking an eye. I imagined that I wouldn't be post 2 years of choosing life and needing to put in place fail-safes, again.

I’m angry.

I’m resolved.

I’m determined.

I’m ready to keep fighting.

I’m willing to do what it takes.

I’m willing to be held accountable.

I’m deciding once again, I choose life.

I choose life for my babies, I know they need me, now more than ever. I choose life for my Champion for I know my partnership in his life is important and he loves me as no one has and I love him as deeply. I choose life for my parents and grandma and my Champion’s mama because no one should suffer the pain of out-living their children. I choose life for my siblings because no matter how old you are you still need a big sister. I choose life for my friends because I like to think we’re friends for a reason. 

I choose life because I still have a lot of living to do…