I almost missed out on a gift a such intense beauty, due to my fear of being alone. While, my fear of being alone is an interesting topic and well worth the introspection, it is not the topic of this post, today.
This evening, I went (in spite of myself) to this treasure of a little place. I pulled into the parking lot and sat for a few moments. As I stepped out of the car, I felt a little strange, where was I suppose to go, what path, which direction? The sun was setting, I decided to not waste any more time and just start, after all there wasn't really a wrong decision and so what if there was.
I came across a little bench and sat for awhile, I wanted to write, I wanted to take pictures, I wanted to sketch, but no, I was just still. Still, with myself in the quiet chill of the evening as the sun was setting and the clouds were building and the animals singing. After a while, I continued along the path and discovered a little treasure nestled in the bushes and more in the tress and more in the little valleys and even more on the hills.
My delight grew with each new discovery....and I could not help the tears that began to form and the little gasps that would occasionally escape. I wondered along the rest of the path and back to my car. I knew I would be back and I knew it would be soon.
As I drove home, I wondered why it was that I was afraid, and decided to tackle that another day.
I also decided, I would allow myself to be selfish. I am not sharing this gift with anyone, so please do not ask that of me...this one is just for me. My, little Sanctuary for my soul.....
Thank you for this beautiful, intensely personal gift.....
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Simple, Beautiful, Lesson
"By learning to effectively manage how we experience emotions and communicate them to others, we can live skillful emotional lives that truly reflect strength of understanding." - Steven McCornack
This was a challenging week on many levels, health, emotional, and mental. I was able to take time the last few days to practice stilling my mind.... Thursday and Friday mornings, I was in an incredibly beautiful place and I allowed myself the time to watch the water fall from its high place and ripple out as it connected with the rest of the body of water. I wondered at how smooth those rocks must be? Is that what pain and friction does for our hearts and souls....smooth the jagged edges of the ugliness that lies within. Have you identified and accepted the good, the bad and the ugly of who you are? I ask you to consider this....as I have. Why does one change? Why does one decide that certain characteristics or traits are not worth having? Because they have seen something better, they desire to have more. I was also able to practice this stillness of mind and body throughout the day and night. When someone was talking to me, I gave my whole focus, I watched their eyes, their lips, their body, I paid attention to the inflection of tone. I allowed myself the pleasure of listening and in turn was rewarded with stillness of soul. I was unaware of how those two were so deeply connected. This one truth has so profoundly affected me, I am sitting here in wonderment at the cause and effect of something that truly is simple and yet I made it incredibly, painfully difficult, over the last year. I am beginning to get this concept, this lesson, that the Universe has been trying desperately to teach me. The struggle will be to not allow complacency and comfortableness rob me of this beautiful lesson. I will reflect and mediate daily on being still, listening and showing my reverence, to the one who has earned it and deserves it so completely. I will allow this gift to my soul.
This was a challenging week on many levels, health, emotional, and mental. I was able to take time the last few days to practice stilling my mind.... Thursday and Friday mornings, I was in an incredibly beautiful place and I allowed myself the time to watch the water fall from its high place and ripple out as it connected with the rest of the body of water. I wondered at how smooth those rocks must be? Is that what pain and friction does for our hearts and souls....smooth the jagged edges of the ugliness that lies within. Have you identified and accepted the good, the bad and the ugly of who you are? I ask you to consider this....as I have. Why does one change? Why does one decide that certain characteristics or traits are not worth having? Because they have seen something better, they desire to have more. I was also able to practice this stillness of mind and body throughout the day and night. When someone was talking to me, I gave my whole focus, I watched their eyes, their lips, their body, I paid attention to the inflection of tone. I allowed myself the pleasure of listening and in turn was rewarded with stillness of soul. I was unaware of how those two were so deeply connected. This one truth has so profoundly affected me, I am sitting here in wonderment at the cause and effect of something that truly is simple and yet I made it incredibly, painfully difficult, over the last year. I am beginning to get this concept, this lesson, that the Universe has been trying desperately to teach me. The struggle will be to not allow complacency and comfortableness rob me of this beautiful lesson. I will reflect and mediate daily on being still, listening and showing my reverence, to the one who has earned it and deserves it so completely. I will allow this gift to my soul.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
It will be what it will be
I am a hard headed, stubborn learner.... Some of the most basic concepts in human relationships and interactions, I am struggle with and I hate that weakness within myself.
The lesson that I said I most wanted to concentrate on "being still", is completely foreign to me. Today and the rest of the week it is this and one other lesson that will be the focus of my journey.
To be still:
As a verb; to make or become still
As an adjective; not moving or making a sound
As a noun; deep silence and calm
Ohhh....to live that...I crave those very things. My true desire in this life is to live in tranquillity and peace, to feel calm and soothed in my soul.
Now on to the lesson that is beyond difficult and I seem incapable of comprehending: Basically, it is "Shut the F**k up" lesson. It means to be quiet and to listen. Why, is this so difficult for me to do? Oh I could give you all my reasons and excuses, but its not important and it truly doesn't matter
To listen:
As a verb; to pay attention to sound, heed, to attentively wait for sound
I love that...."to attentively wait for sound".... I truly want to attentively wait for sound of my loves voice as he shares with me. It almost sounds as if that line could come from a sonnet of love lost. But I am now aware that hearing and listening are entirely different. One can hear without listening. I am learning to love by listening, paying attention, heeding, attentively waiting.
And the one thing that ties both of these things together is Reverence.
To Revere; To regard with awe, deference, and devotion.
To which I am guilty of not having done completely, openly, and honestly. Sure, I get some of it right some of the time...but is that enough? Would that be enough for me....I would say no.
As I go about this life's journey this week...I feel weak and desperate. I do believe that if one and then the other is learned and practiced, I will feel peace and calmness, therefore; I will feel stronger, more confident. As someone very important in my life just told me... Relax... it will be what it will be.
The lesson that I said I most wanted to concentrate on "being still", is completely foreign to me. Today and the rest of the week it is this and one other lesson that will be the focus of my journey.
To be still:
As a verb; to make or become still
As an adjective; not moving or making a sound
As a noun; deep silence and calm
| As a Synonym: | verb. calm - soothe - quiet - lull - adjective. quiet - calm - tranquil - peaceful - noun. silence - quiet - calm - hush - quietness |
Now on to the lesson that is beyond difficult and I seem incapable of comprehending: Basically, it is "Shut the F**k up" lesson. It means to be quiet and to listen. Why, is this so difficult for me to do? Oh I could give you all my reasons and excuses, but its not important and it truly doesn't matter
To listen:
As a verb; to pay attention to sound, heed, to attentively wait for sound
I love that...."to attentively wait for sound".... I truly want to attentively wait for sound of my loves voice as he shares with me. It almost sounds as if that line could come from a sonnet of love lost. But I am now aware that hearing and listening are entirely different. One can hear without listening. I am learning to love by listening, paying attention, heeding, attentively waiting.
And the one thing that ties both of these things together is Reverence.
To Revere; To regard with awe, deference, and devotion.
To which I am guilty of not having done completely, openly, and honestly. Sure, I get some of it right some of the time...but is that enough? Would that be enough for me....I would say no.
As I go about this life's journey this week...I feel weak and desperate. I do believe that if one and then the other is learned and practiced, I will feel peace and calmness, therefore; I will feel stronger, more confident. As someone very important in my life just told me... Relax... it will be what it will be.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Journey
I decided to start this blog as way to work through my life's journey and thought processes regarding it. Mostly this blog will focus on what I am learning about myself, my screw-ups and triumphs. Occasionally, the people who are in my world will make an appearance but only in the way that they have affected my journey.We only have one chance to do our life and I want to do my life with as much purpose as possible.
I am struggling with some things right now, self respect, self forgiveness, implementing the lessons I have learned, thus far. Self respect, for me has been an interesting and challenging concept for me. I thought I was respecting myself turns out I am willing to sell myself out if I know it will "help" someone else. My plan in correcting this self destructive behavior is to know/state/write/tell people; what it is I need to do and stick with my plan no matter what, taking care of myself before I take care of others. Additionally, I will establish my boundaries with people and when I need to tighten my "circle" to protect me, I will. I will not be afraid to voice my thoughts and opinions. Self forgiveness, is one of the most difficult aspects of the human journey, I believe. Yes, things happen to us and sometimes we allow people in our lives who tear us down and abuse us, (I am thinking of past relationships) but isn't there a certain amount of responsibility on the oppressed party to remove herself from the situation? Then there are the things I say and do that hurt people. Why do I continue to do these things, why can I not learn, does this mean I am really not sorry for my behavior? Oh, I hope not! That leads to more harmful thoughts as I think of all that I am ruining. How can I forgive myself for this? I read something today that to forgive is not to forget but to make peace with it and to move on....I am ready to make peace with myself....(I think). The lessons I have learned that I continue to have to learn I will process over the next several days. The one I am mediating on right now is "being still". Stilling my mind and my emotions and my body and my mouth. I will let you know if I am successful or not.
I am struggling with some things right now, self respect, self forgiveness, implementing the lessons I have learned, thus far. Self respect, for me has been an interesting and challenging concept for me. I thought I was respecting myself turns out I am willing to sell myself out if I know it will "help" someone else. My plan in correcting this self destructive behavior is to know/state/write/tell people; what it is I need to do and stick with my plan no matter what, taking care of myself before I take care of others. Additionally, I will establish my boundaries with people and when I need to tighten my "circle" to protect me, I will. I will not be afraid to voice my thoughts and opinions. Self forgiveness, is one of the most difficult aspects of the human journey, I believe. Yes, things happen to us and sometimes we allow people in our lives who tear us down and abuse us, (I am thinking of past relationships) but isn't there a certain amount of responsibility on the oppressed party to remove herself from the situation? Then there are the things I say and do that hurt people. Why do I continue to do these things, why can I not learn, does this mean I am really not sorry for my behavior? Oh, I hope not! That leads to more harmful thoughts as I think of all that I am ruining. How can I forgive myself for this? I read something today that to forgive is not to forget but to make peace with it and to move on....I am ready to make peace with myself....(I think). The lessons I have learned that I continue to have to learn I will process over the next several days. The one I am mediating on right now is "being still". Stilling my mind and my emotions and my body and my mouth. I will let you know if I am successful or not.
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