Day One

Well, I suppose you should know the real me.

I am a depressed, anorexic, alcoholic battling an unknown chronic pain condition who is really angry, bitter and resentful.

Yep. I just owned that bitch. Turns out you really can't medicate and hide your truth behind not eating and the binge alcohol usage because those beasts just allow the ugly to shine through.

I am sober one day (officially) although I want to say two since I woke up sober this morning as well.

My partner finally had enough yesterday and has basically given me an ultimatum - you see every relationship has guidelines that help you to establish your couple-ness AND in my drunken stupor I lost sight of two of those guidelines. Never exclude one of you and never get drunk at work.

I wish I could say he was being unfair and that this was an isolated event but the truth is I've done this several times over the years - why he is still with me is beyond comprehension.

So we came to an agreement:

1. I'll move into the guest bedroom - to preserve his peace at night.

2. I will go to AA meetings.

3. I will get alcohol therapy  (I'm looking into a 30 day inpatient detox program).

4. I will not touch a drop for no less than 3 months or game over.

5. I will continue to see my therapist.

6. I will keep the house orderly and provide meals to be of assistance.

In six months we will reevaluate our relationship and the damage I've caused to determine if we wish to continue to try and heal or if we walk away.

I thanked him before I left for work yesterday for giving me this opportunity and he asked me why...why did I want to do this because "It would be so much easier for me to walk away." And he's right...The thought of NO alcohol has left me with a sense of grief. Because I really don't like me. I like the me that is drinking. I really can't imagine not ending my day wine. I really can't imagine not sitting on a patio having a margarita. I really can't imagine not traveling to Naples for a wine tour.

HOWEVER... I love him. I love how he loves me. I love the things we've done. I love that I am a better person because of him. I love how I feel when I am with him. I love how his eyes sparkle. I love how he smiles. I love his wit. I love his vision and dream. I love and want to do all the things we've talked about and dreamed of doing together.

I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to beat any of this... strength is not really a character trait I posse.

And so this is day one and I'm going to my first AA meeting at noon.