What I wish I had known....

I read an article a few weeks back titled something along the lines 10 things I wish I had known about Anorexia. It made me start thinking what do I wish I had known all of those years ago…?

     1)       When I overheard some of dad’s family taking about how hard it was that he had an extra mouth to feed,        how it wasn't fair to this young man .

           

            I wish I had remembered that in fact my dad knew my mom had a toddler (me) and had married her            AND assumed responsibility for me.

      2)      When I was wearing a swimsuit the summer before I turned 14 and saw my hips...

      

            I wish I had celebrated my curves and developing womanhood instead of feeling shame.

      3)      When I had a boyfriend, my freshman year of high school who told me and his friends that I was fat (I           was 95lbs)....

        

           I wish I had realized he was a stupid boy and walked away with my head held high and set my standards      higher.

      4)      When I went to my youth pastor when I was a sophomore in high school; and told him I had a problem,       he sent me to the wife of the choir director and she told me that because I wasn’t counting calories that I       really didn’t have a problem...

            I wish they had called my mom, I wish I had found a psychiatrist, I wish I had been sent to an in-patient         care facility, I wish I had kept telling someone until I was believed.

      5)      When I was restricting to feel control...

       

             I wish I would have felt empowered by becoming active.

     6)      When I was restricting and felt hunger pangs...

  

           I wish I hadn't lied to myself by saying I just didn't feel them but accepted the fact that those hunger pangs      actually brought me comfort.    (And still do)

      7)      When I saw people’s bodies, men and women, I never felt envious....

  

            I wish I would have known it was OK to celebrate their beauty.

     8)      When I was younger, I was never really active...

           I wish I had a strong foundation in physical activity because I realize now how important fuel is for the            body and I often eat to fuel my passions.

    9)      When I first began to restrict 24 years ago at the tender age of 13, I never thought I’d live past the age of     25... 

          I wish I knew how much I really want to live, how much I have to live for, and how much I love life.

    10)   When I was going through my divorce and was horribly sick....

          I wish I had gone into inpatient therapy instead of being fearful and prideful.

Restricting has impacted what kinds of food I can eat and how my body processes it.

Restricting has impacted my brain functioning. 

Restricting has impacted my physical capabilities. 

Restricting is a DAILY battle to overcome to fuel so I can do what I want….I can tell you the number of calories, the fat, the protein, the carbs, the sugar in just about anything – I wish I couldn't….

People say things in which they have no idea how it will impact another and yet we speak without thinking or caring, we don’t take the time to truly care for others.

More importantly than caring for another is caring for ourselves and most of us don’t; we don’t because we don’t believe we deserve it, we don’t believe that we are neglecting ourselves, we don’t believe we are worthy…How do we change that?

Today, I eat to live the life I want; I want to run, I want to lift, I want to paint, to garden, to write, I want to be a daughter and I want to be a sister, I want to be a friend, I want to be a mommy, I want to be a partner…