Day Four...

Day 4 Sober...Waking up sober filled with no regrets from the night before only from the pain I know I've caused in the last five years.

Last night was challenging - I usually pour my first drink as I'm making dinner and sip on it as I cook and contemplate life and remind myself no more than four regular sized drinks...no more than four - no big deal.

We ate dinner as we usually do in front of the TV....and I'm sitting the craving because so intense I can smell the bastard. I get up and ask my partner if we have sweets and let him know whats going on... He made some chocolate oatmeal drops...it was good...it was sweet of him. I broke mine into itty bitty pieces to let melt into my mouth as I use to with my wine. I was then most likely very insensitive. I said "as much as you hate me a drunk - you'll hate for being fat. Which is likely to happen during this detox phase". You see he's gained a lot of weight over the course of a year...and he didn't respond as he could have...

Yesterday afternoon as I was headed out to my first AA meeting I let out a sigh (I was scared shitless) He made a joke and I honestly didn't know what to say and we ended up in a fight. He was trying to help lighten the tension and yet I just didn't know how to respond.

My first meeting - I was in tears most of the time. They were very kind and accepting - one old man said he hoped for me that I was truly at rock bottom - any other time in my life, I probably would have become very defensive and even angry - but I'm there - I'm rock bottom.

Truth is I miss my partner so deeply and thoroughly - I miss his smell, his touch, his light caress in the middle of the night, his sleep talking, his laugh, his smile, his twinkle in his eye, his wit, his time, his very energy and essences....OH MY GOD what have I done... There are so many things he's stopped doing over the years and I miss those things with my core... Spontaneous trips to Santa Fe or to Red Rocks to watch the sunrise or to take drive or hike... Or grabbing me in the middle of day and making love to me the dinning room table or the chair in the living room.

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE....OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE...

I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.   

He asked me to paint this: "When the Fear of losing something or someone is greater than the fear of doing something; You will do whatever it takes.

Thanks, my name is Crystal and I am alcoholic.